6:00 PM Opening prayer, led by the Reverend Jerry Fallwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment), led by John Ashcroft and Tom Ridge
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: "Getting Your Kid a Military Deferment"
7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: "Mercury -- It's What's for Dinner"
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft lecture: "The Homos Are After Your Children"
8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: "Corporations: Our Government of the Future"
9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM EPA Address #2: "Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires"
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:15 PM Lecture by Carl Rove: "Doublespeak Made Easy"
10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare.
10:40 PM Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black republicans
10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 PM Seminar #3: "Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy"
11:10 PM Hillary Clinton piñata
11:20 PM Second lecture by John Ashcroft: "Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult"
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again.
11:35 PM Blame Clinton
11:45 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:55 PM Closing prayer led by Jesus Himself
12:00PM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord